{Another disclaimer...I worked on writing this post throughout my pregnancy..I am just getting around to posting it. I'm glad I wrote down my feelings because although I would never wish what we went through on anyone, I am grateful for the 3 years because they have made me a much better mother}
Getting to baby...
When we found out we were expecting I had no idea how I would keep in the incredible news. But 12 weeks hit and I couldn't post the great news, then 13 weeks, then finally 14 weeks and I still just didn't feel ready to let people know. I knew I had to announce because I was starting to show and I had already told a lot of people. I wrote the post and waited for about an hour before I could push post. Once I hit post I was flooded with anxiety but as the congrats were coming in and we could feel the love and support I was incredibly overwhelmed with a range of emotions. And I realized that the reason I was so hesitant to post was because I was closing a chapter in my life. And even though it was the worst/hardest chapter so far, I realized it was over and that caused a flood of emotion. I needed to officially close the chapter which meant I needed to write our story.
Our journey to getting to baby started in November of 2010. We graduated in August 2010 and I knew I just wanted to be a mom. I have no career aspirations in me at all :) But we were going to Disneyworld so we decided to wait so I wouldn't be sick at Disneyworld.
The first month was hard. You are so excited and nervous about the possibility and when it doesn't happen you are filled with disappointment and sadness because what you wanted is now a month away. Then we hit six months. And that was hard. Now I had felt it 6 times. Each month my desire to have a baby got stronger and stronger. I took a on-call job at a clinic and found myself hating my job and spending my days off struggling to even get going. It was rough. I didn't want to do anything and all I could think about was getting that baby.
Then we moved, I started a new job, we went on a few trips and we were at a year. 12 months without a baby...thinking back on that time a year felt like an eternity. Then before we knew it we were at 2 years, living in Philadelphia where I had envisioned living with a baby, but instead I was working another job.
And then the summer of 2013 hit. This was the lowest of lows. We were living in Seattle and I'm pretty sure everyone of my friends had a baby (I promise friends no hard feelings :) ) but seeing a new baby born every few weeks, while I was alone in Seattle (the husband worked a lot), about killed me inside. The longing I felt to be holding my own baby and seeing so many around me getting that opportunity was so hard. One particularly hard night I was texting my sister and at the end of the text she wrote I just think I should tell you heavenly father loves you. That little reminder + the feelings that followed was what I needed to snap out of it and truly enjoy the time I had. We moved back to Philadelphia and I dove into work. I ended up landing a full-time position On Dec. 8 and decided I was going to go back to school and start classes in 2014. On December 17 my world unexpectedly changed when I got the thing I had thought would never happen.
On December 17 I knew it was "the day"and because of the upcoming holidays and how that usually made things harder I just wanted a confirmation that I wasn't pregnant so I could get on with the holidays and be able to enjoy them. So that morning I quickly took a pregnancy test (which I rarely ever did) and hid it in the cupboard and got ready to go to the gym with Max. before we went down to the gym I decided I would take a look. I pull the pregnancy test out and as I was going to throw it away I noticed the faint pink line so many people had said they've seen. I kind of just sat there for a minute, not fully comprehending what was happening. The thought going through my head probably shouldn't be written down (contains some expletives!)but it's safe to say i was in disbelief. I put the test back into hiding to join max at the gym. I attempted to work out on the elliptical but clearly my head was rolling with thoughts of is this actually happening. When we got back from the gym I decided I didn't want to tell Max. I had to rush off to work and he had to rush off to catch a plane for Utah. I didn't want this moment that we had waited so long for to be ruined. So I kept it too myself for 2 days until I joined Max in Utah.
I arrived in Utah on December 19 which just happened to be our 5th anniversary (such fun timing :) ). It took everything I had to not yell the news to Max as I was getting off the plane but I held it in....and kept holding it until we got to his parents house, chatted with his mom for a bit and then finally went downstairs. I told him I had a small anniversary card for him, he felt bad cause he had nothing for me! I told him it wasn't much and just to open. The front of the card had a catapillar and looked very babyish, but he just thought i was being my normal weird self. I wrote some sweet things and then said You are going to be a Daddy! That moment will FOREVER be one of my most favorite moments. Our lives completely changed in that moment. And we went from wishing and praying to actually planning and having a timeline.
Infertility is a hard thing to describe. Each month you are mourning the loss of what could be. You feel helpless. You feel jealous of those getting babies. You feel unloved, unworthy, forgotten. You feel alone. You lose friends because they don't understand and you are in too low of a place to be the bigger person.
You are so happy to hear that friends are expecting but at the same time you are devastated that it is not you. Seeing teenage moms would cause so much anger in me. It was the lowest of my lows.
Through this all I really tried to focus on all the things we could do without kids and we were honestly so blessed to be able to do so many fun and amazing things. And I truly learned to enjoy each stage. Each stage has a purpose and we will never get some of those moments back. The time I had with Max for those 3 extra years hold some of the most important events that could've happened for our marriage. We really got to know each other and spend so much extra time together strengthening our marriage that I will forever be grateful for those 3 extra years.
I am 34 weeks pregnant now. The pregnancy has simply been incredible. There honestly hasn't been a moment where I haven't felt so grateful for this miracle in our lives. And I'm already grateful for what we went through for 3 years. It changed me into a better person, it strengthened my marriage with Max more than I thought possible and it prepared me to be a better mother.
I share our story because a) you never know what someone is going through so be kind and understanding b) try to always find joy in the journey, regardless of the circumstances c) there is always light at the end of a dark tunnel.
Getting to baby...
When we found out we were expecting I had no idea how I would keep in the incredible news. But 12 weeks hit and I couldn't post the great news, then 13 weeks, then finally 14 weeks and I still just didn't feel ready to let people know. I knew I had to announce because I was starting to show and I had already told a lot of people. I wrote the post and waited for about an hour before I could push post. Once I hit post I was flooded with anxiety but as the congrats were coming in and we could feel the love and support I was incredibly overwhelmed with a range of emotions. And I realized that the reason I was so hesitant to post was because I was closing a chapter in my life. And even though it was the worst/hardest chapter so far, I realized it was over and that caused a flood of emotion. I needed to officially close the chapter which meant I needed to write our story.
Our journey to getting to baby started in November of 2010. We graduated in August 2010 and I knew I just wanted to be a mom. I have no career aspirations in me at all :) But we were going to Disneyworld so we decided to wait so I wouldn't be sick at Disneyworld.
The first month was hard. You are so excited and nervous about the possibility and when it doesn't happen you are filled with disappointment and sadness because what you wanted is now a month away. Then we hit six months. And that was hard. Now I had felt it 6 times. Each month my desire to have a baby got stronger and stronger. I took a on-call job at a clinic and found myself hating my job and spending my days off struggling to even get going. It was rough. I didn't want to do anything and all I could think about was getting that baby.
Then we moved, I started a new job, we went on a few trips and we were at a year. 12 months without a baby...thinking back on that time a year felt like an eternity. Then before we knew it we were at 2 years, living in Philadelphia where I had envisioned living with a baby, but instead I was working another job.
And then the summer of 2013 hit. This was the lowest of lows. We were living in Seattle and I'm pretty sure everyone of my friends had a baby (I promise friends no hard feelings :) ) but seeing a new baby born every few weeks, while I was alone in Seattle (the husband worked a lot), about killed me inside. The longing I felt to be holding my own baby and seeing so many around me getting that opportunity was so hard. One particularly hard night I was texting my sister and at the end of the text she wrote I just think I should tell you heavenly father loves you. That little reminder + the feelings that followed was what I needed to snap out of it and truly enjoy the time I had. We moved back to Philadelphia and I dove into work. I ended up landing a full-time position On Dec. 8 and decided I was going to go back to school and start classes in 2014. On December 17 my world unexpectedly changed when I got the thing I had thought would never happen.
On December 17 I knew it was "the day"and because of the upcoming holidays and how that usually made things harder I just wanted a confirmation that I wasn't pregnant so I could get on with the holidays and be able to enjoy them. So that morning I quickly took a pregnancy test (which I rarely ever did) and hid it in the cupboard and got ready to go to the gym with Max. before we went down to the gym I decided I would take a look. I pull the pregnancy test out and as I was going to throw it away I noticed the faint pink line so many people had said they've seen. I kind of just sat there for a minute, not fully comprehending what was happening. The thought going through my head probably shouldn't be written down (contains some expletives!)but it's safe to say i was in disbelief. I put the test back into hiding to join max at the gym. I attempted to work out on the elliptical but clearly my head was rolling with thoughts of is this actually happening. When we got back from the gym I decided I didn't want to tell Max. I had to rush off to work and he had to rush off to catch a plane for Utah. I didn't want this moment that we had waited so long for to be ruined. So I kept it too myself for 2 days until I joined Max in Utah.
I arrived in Utah on December 19 which just happened to be our 5th anniversary (such fun timing :) ). It took everything I had to not yell the news to Max as I was getting off the plane but I held it in....and kept holding it until we got to his parents house, chatted with his mom for a bit and then finally went downstairs. I told him I had a small anniversary card for him, he felt bad cause he had nothing for me! I told him it wasn't much and just to open. The front of the card had a catapillar and looked very babyish, but he just thought i was being my normal weird self. I wrote some sweet things and then said You are going to be a Daddy! That moment will FOREVER be one of my most favorite moments. Our lives completely changed in that moment. And we went from wishing and praying to actually planning and having a timeline.
Infertility is a hard thing to describe. Each month you are mourning the loss of what could be. You feel helpless. You feel jealous of those getting babies. You feel unloved, unworthy, forgotten. You feel alone. You lose friends because they don't understand and you are in too low of a place to be the bigger person.
You are so happy to hear that friends are expecting but at the same time you are devastated that it is not you. Seeing teenage moms would cause so much anger in me. It was the lowest of my lows.
Through this all I really tried to focus on all the things we could do without kids and we were honestly so blessed to be able to do so many fun and amazing things. And I truly learned to enjoy each stage. Each stage has a purpose and we will never get some of those moments back. The time I had with Max for those 3 extra years hold some of the most important events that could've happened for our marriage. We really got to know each other and spend so much extra time together strengthening our marriage that I will forever be grateful for those 3 extra years.
I am 34 weeks pregnant now. The pregnancy has simply been incredible. There honestly hasn't been a moment where I haven't felt so grateful for this miracle in our lives. And I'm already grateful for what we went through for 3 years. It changed me into a better person, it strengthened my marriage with Max more than I thought possible and it prepared me to be a better mother.
I share our story because a) you never know what someone is going through so be kind and understanding b) try to always find joy in the journey, regardless of the circumstances c) there is always light at the end of a dark tunnel.
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